Thursday, November 15, 2012
Here.
My head is above water now. It no longer feels like I am bleeding away. The hole is rugged and dried up again. I am starting to feel ok. Well....not ok, but better at least. The feeling of loneliness is still there. I still feel like I disappear a little bit when I'm not with people. Hours pass without having no real meaning, but at least I'm not hurting anymore, I'm just sort of numb. Cold and numb. I want to feel, but it seems that at the moment I can't, I can just go around in circles, trying to find some sort of way to pass the time. When I smile it feels weird, like I'm made of plastic, like I am about to crack, fall apart. When I laugh the sound is hollow, I hear it and it sounds fake, like a bad recording, even if I think something is genuinely funny. I find that I remind myself to be happy, to seem happy at least, and it's not even that I am unhappy, I'm just not here. My mind and soul is miles away, and I can't help it. I am a shell of a person, and I don't know why.
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I know that feeling...like you know you should be happy and embrace everything around you, because you have so much, and are in a fantastic innovative and creative environment. you have awesome friends and you yourself are multi-talented and beautiful. You have all the reasons to be happy, yet it's like something isn't quite right. "What IS the point, really. It seems like I lost it somewhere". it's naturally to feel like this from time to time, and it sucks! but if I could give you any advice, (even though I'm not that qualified x) ) it would be to take a internal trip, be selfish, do things for yourself and no one else, indulge, work hard, be focused. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are perfect the way you are. Do what you love, love what you do :) it's up to ourselves to find meaning. it's hard, but the journey is also the goal.
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