"fill your paper with the breathings of your heart"

As cliche as it seems, I happened upon an old diary today, the one I kept at the end of my exchange year. So I guess this is a throwback thursday kind of post. As I sat here reading it I hardly recognized the person behind the words and the reason why is because at the time of writing it I was so depressed and down on myself, and it is only today that I've realized how bad it was. I have, for years, suffered with episodes of depression, but things have always gotten better for me, but as I was reading passages from that journal I couldn't help but notice how lost I was, and how I blamed myself for everything. It was a time where I was trying so hard to figure out what kind of person I was, who I was, that I started eating less and I honestly felt like shit most of the time, I hated myself, and in the journal I have written: "All I keep thinking about is how much easier it would be if I just wasn't here, if I didn't exist anymore."

That part really struck me because it made me realize how awful I felt, how sad I was, and how much I blamed myself. I just wanted the world to swallow me whole, so that I wouldn't be a bother to anyone anymore. I don't feel like that anymore. Sure, I have times where I feel awful, even now, but I also feel more secure in myself, and while I still have so much to learn, experience and see in this world, I feel like I have grown into a different person these past few years. I guess the moral of the story is that it really does get better, even though it might not seem like it. Keeping a journal has enabled me to look back and see how much I've changed as a person, so I encourage you to try it for a while, see if it helps you, see if you get to know yourself better.

One thing I do want to tell you is that the year I spent as an exchange student was one of the best years of my life so far, and although I was sad for parts of it, I also met some amazing people that have a special place in my heart. As with any year it was one filled with both struggles and joys and I wouldn't trade it for anything.